There are people who are natural conversationalists. They are easy going and people gravitate to them in social settings. These are the “life of the party” people. Then there are the rest of us. We bumble through what should be easy interpersonal communication like it’s a live minefield. As a result, we have finely tuned fight-or-flight reflexes, and many of us have developed a range of personality traits to survive any social setting.  

I’ve conducted some highly unscientific research and spent time tracking the behavioral habits of the North American Awkward Adult. I’ve compiled my research into a handy guide so that you can recognize your very own breed of awkward. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and studies suggest that it’s entirely possible to be one or more of these at a time, or in rapid succession. We have not found a cure, but we are hopeful that some combination of patience and extended exposure to society will provide a measure of relief over time.

The Over Compensator — When you don’t have the confidence to be the natural center of attention, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable with small talk. The Over Compensator skips it entirely and instead employs the method of speaking louder and faster to engage their audience. You’ll feel more confident because you’ve terrified your listeners into submission. If you can’t make them love you, fear is a good second option.Care and feeding: While they may be yelling, it is not because they are angry. When dealing with an Over Compensator, simply speak in low soothing tones and do not make any sudden movements.

The Stage Five Clinger — Find someone you vaguely know and stick to them. Like glue. This seems the best and least openly hostile option available to the awkward among us. Even if you only kind of know the person, be their new best friend for the night. It might make them uncomfortable at first, but eventually you’ll wear them down. Cling tenaciously! They will carry you through the awkward and you will emerge victoriously on the other side. Care and feeding: The Clinger makes fleeting but immediate friendships as a method of survival. Don’t expect a follow-up phone call once you’ve been clung to, but instead take a visit from The Clinger as a compliment, you must be pretty cool if they attached themselves to you.

The Avoider — People are milling around, someone is approaching that you fear may actually try to talk to you. There is absolutely no way you want to engage in a real conversation at this moment. Quick, look at your phone. You just received a very important text message that requires immediate response. The Avoider is nimble and spry; they can sense an incoming potential conversation at 50 paces. They are the ninja assassins of social situations, one minute they’re there and the next they’ve scuttled around a corner and faded into the crowd without a word. Care and feeding: Do not be offended if they suddenly bounce out of sight, they are like a timid jungle cat, feral and dangerous when backed into a corner.

The Hider — It’s not fair to say you’re anti-social; you desperately want to be social. You tell people you’ll show up but when it comes time to actually put on pants and leave the comfort of your secret lair, it’s just a no-go. Care and feeding: The Hider is an elusive beast, maybe they show up to the party but they’re probably in the bathroom most of the time or nestled safely in a corner playing Angry Birds and attempting to blend in with the wallpaper. Approach with caution, they are easily startled.

The Nervous Laugher — You’ve found yourself in a conversation you cannot see a graceful way out of. While you’re contemplating an exit strategy and calculating the likelihood of having to fake a seizure, someone has made a joke. You didn’t really catch it but the people around you are chuckling—you may not be great at social cues but you should probably laugh. Everyone will know you weren’t paying attention so laugh loud, laugh now.Care and feeding: The Nervous Laugher wants to fit in, but is so overcome with social anxiety that they giggle snort a bit too often. Be gentle, they’re trying.

The Snark Monster — The crutch of those who are at once wildly intelligent and cripplingly self-conscious is snark. You’ve angled yourself with your back to the wall, sneering face room-ward, while quietly muttering biting social commentary on every hapless party-goer who passes through your field of vision. Care and feeding: The Snark Monster is a useful ally and it’s imperative to stay on their good side. Plus they’re stationary creatures by nature, they’ll probably watch your coat.

The Imbiber — There is not a single uncomfortable social situation that a liberal dose of brown liquor can’t cure. Sure, it might be double the embarrassment the next day, but that’s tomorrow. Today is today and desperate times call for desperate measures. Belly up and have a few shots of liquid courage, then go forth and make other people uncomfortable. Care and feeding: There is inevitably a point at which the socially lubricated will tend to turn into “hot mess on the dance floor.” This makes The Imbiber a volatile and unpredictable creature. Also, consider anything said while intoxicated as null and void the next day, this is standard Imbiber protocol.     

The Lurker — You attend every single social event. You are everywhere all the time, and yet, no one actually knows you. You are a unique paradox, the socialite with no social life. You go to things in the hopes that at some point it will get easier, but instead of instigating legitimate conversation you find yourself circling the perimeter, nibbling the party snacks and attempting to make sustained eye contact with unwilling strangers. Care and feeding: In order to include The Lurker it is best to address them straight on, they require an outright invitation into the conversation. Due to their time spent on the fringes they have picked up a lot of knowledge about the people around them, so Lurkers are the best gossips.

The Faker — Everyone knows that the spontaneous use of an accent you’ve never had before is a totally legitimate response to stressful situations. You suddenly begin using slang you’ve only seen in movies or respond to questions in Cockney riddles. Care and feeding: The use of a fake accent — be it the favored posh British accent or the more affable Australian “g’day mate’”is a rare but special breed of awkward that often leaves the surrounding party befuddled. The Faker is using a kind of social camouflage; do not call them out on it, as it will only make them more uncomfortable. Lest you be victim to an unfortunate Southern drawl, try to let them work it out in their own time.

The Performer — There is a saying: “fake it until you make it.” You, however, take this too far. You play that one song on the guitar that you know so you can avoid actual conversation. When in doubt, overwhelm your audience with information and either someone will politely corral your crazy or you’ll suddenly find yourself doing a one man show for the house cats. Instead of making polite small talk about work or the weather, you launch into a diatribe about why you’re a feminist or the entire history of the coffee bean. Care and feeding: The Performer fills silence with information. If you wish to extricate yourself from the Performer’s presence, try not to ask too many questions that may spark a new train of thought, or you may find yourself the unwitting audience member of their one man (or woman) show.

Daniella Cortez holds a degree in sociology and has been an awkward party guest since 1995. You can read more tales from her inelegant social life at justmakeitstop.tumblr.com, to invite her to your next social gathering email her at writer@daniellacortez.c